In a desperate attempt to dodge military service, an increasing number of Russians are choosing the most extreme draft-dodging strategy yet—getting themselves frozen like leftover borscht, hoping to be resurrected in a Putin-free future.
The cryochamber industry is booming, with demand skyrocketing by 30% over the past year, proving that avoiding war is now Russia’s most rapidly growing market after sanctioned cheese smuggling.
The concept is simple: once declared legally dead (or just extremely, extremely cold), your body is tucked away in a cryogenic capsule, safely out of reach from conscription officers and state propaganda broadcasts. Then, decades or centuries later—hopefully in a world where conscription is as outdated as Soviet ration lines—scientists will thaw you out like a convenience store pelmeni and attempt to bring you back to life.
Of course, there’s a price for this ticket to the future. A full-body freeze costs a hefty 3.8 million rubles, while budget-conscious draft dodgers can opt for the economy package at just 1.8 million rubles—though this one only preserves your brain. Because nothing says “hope for the future” like waking up in 2145 as a floating, disembodied head in a jar, Futurama-style. The cost varies depending on age, meaning that the older you are, the more expensive it is—presumably because it takes extra ice to keep the Soviet nostalgia from melting.
And it’s not just humans signing up. Over 64 pets have already been cryogenically preserved, as their owners apparently fear that the post-Putin world might be so unpredictable that even cats and hamsters need a backup plan.
So, are you ready to join Russia’s growing community of human popsicles to avoid fighting in Ukraine?
👍 — Yes, I’ll take my chances with the freezer over the frontlines.
🤡 — No, I prefer my nonsense defrosted, not deep-frozen.
